December.

To most people, December is just another month. A month that means no school for two weeks. A month of boots and scarfs. A month of celebration. Perhaps December marks the anniversary of something important, a child's birth, a wedding, a death.
To me, December is many things. It means snow. It's means twinkly lights and decorated trees. It means change is in the air. 11 short days from now, is the 1 year anniversary of my aunt's death. But December is a good thing as well. This year, when holidays start, I will have been free for a year. Heading into this new year, I have looked back on the past year, and on myself. I remember that days before the Christmas holidays started at my school, my safety was threatened. My mom did the only logical thing. I was pulled out of a horrible school in the middle of 8th grade. I have since then changed, and not realized how different things were then.
Today, I stumbled across an old journal, from April and May of 2009. The person who had written those entries, I assure you was not me. And yet, the handwriting matched. That person spoke of the same situations I had been in. I don't like this person, and I am very pleased that she is gone. I began a new journal today, starting by filling Future Me in on what has happened since we last spoke. In one of the entries, I spoke about a wedding and a birthday party I was going to that weekend. The wedding, I knew, was my cousins. the birthday party was a mystery. I finally realized that the party was for my nephew, who was at the time, turning 1. That scared me a little. I was shocked at how much things had changed since then.

Let me explain. This is Andrew.
This is the child whose first birthday I was going to so long ago. He got covered in cake and tried to smear it on the wall.
A year later, I attended his 2nd birthday party. Suddenly the boy was out a his highchair, running around tripping on his own feet, and repeating nonsensical things.

I have pictures of this kid all over my phone, and all over my walls. He is one of my favorite things.
In the meantime, while he's growing up and up, my sister prepares to have her second child. I'm shocked and a little scared even though I had already done this with the first kid.
The same thoughts run through my mind. What if he doesn't like me? What if I drop him? What if I don't like him?

Well of course the baby is born 3 months later, I don't drop him, he likes me just fine, and I love him. Two days after he is born, his big brother Andrew comes to visit in the hospital. He had gotten there early in the morning before me, and had been through about as much excitement as a 2 year old can go through over a baby. I walk in the room and find him sitting on the couch next to his mommy and baby brother. We greet them all and then he jumps off the couch, puts his tiny hand in mine, looks up at me and says "Let's go for a walk."

Although I just got there and have another nephew to hold right now, this little boys big brown eyes are watching me expectantly. I set my jacket down and let him lead me into the lobby to play with the toys. I can already see myself doomed. This child has me wrapped around his finger, and so will his brother. This same child called me one day from a restaurant while playing with his mom's phone. I talk to him on the phone every few weeks, and every time I do, I am proud, pleased, and heart broken at how much clearer he's getting. He is becoming able to have a conversation.

There is also another shocking thing, at the time of this old journal, Caleb, my second nephew, didn't exist. Sporting his "My Aunt ROCKS" t shirt, I can already see the kissing up, and the walking all over me. I don't mind though, It's the little smiles on there faces that I want to see.
I also got a dog. His name is Jake. He is great.












But I guess my point is, Looking back at all the things I lost in the last two years, although there wasn't much I cared about, I now know that I would willing give it all away again so I could keep these three precious boys in my life. There is also my sister, and my brother. They are my friends when I need them, my siblings when they feel like pretending not to like me, and they are always there.
My sister and her husband raise their two children in their apartment and my brother is about to go away to school. Although I haven't lived with either of them since I was 8, this is a big change for me, and not an entirely comfortable one. I love them and am proud of them for everything they have done, but part of me will always miss when we were all just kids.

I am happy with my decisions. I am happy I left school. Happy I left several good friends behind along with some not so good ones. I am happy with my life, and come January, I will happy with 2010. The year everything changed for the better. My brother will go off to school, Caleb will celebrate his first Christmas, and life will go on.

I can't ever regret the decisions I made because they got me this. And that's all that's necessary.