2011.

Hello friends, I stand here before you, on the eve of new years eve, a changed person.

Well not really. I don't feel any older. I don't look any different. I am the same person that was here yesterday and I will be the same person January second. This brings about a problem. This "Holiday" of sorts is false. It comes, spreading cheer, making children fight to stay awake, bringing promises of new beginnings, excitement and opportunities.

But really, there is no new beginning. Nothing starts over, not even the calender. People start the year sleep deprived and hung-over, not a very promising start if you ask me. And you have all the same opportunities you did last year.

Now I'm not saying I don't get involved in the whole holiday, staying up late, party thing. I do. I'm a very nostalgic person. I never pass up the chance to go over the past. But I never understood.

Now this year, my friend Emma believes, is doomed. She doesn't seem to be prepared for the "Starting over" part of the new year. Adding up all the things that went wrong in 2010 is the first thing that will go wrong in 2011. You can't really start over, but you can change things. Everyone, family, friends, strangers, follow this link and leave a comment telling her how much 2011 is going to rock.

Enjoy your holiday everyone, I know I will. I'll talk to you all again soon.

Television.

SPOILER ALERT***If you have never seen Veronica Mars, Grey's Anatomy or Lost and plan to some day, DO NOT READ.

I am not an obsessive television watcher, but come between me and my shows and you will pay the price. Some of my favorite shows aren't on anymore, things like Veronica Mars, Heroes, and Alias, which pretty much means I can watch them whenever I want. But then there are things that are still in the middle of the season, leaving me hanging, not knowing whether or not my favorite characters are doomed or not.

I'm all for this Christmas, Holiday, Celebration and all, but it really interferes with my shows. So far, I have spent this t.v. break watching Veronica Mars, which got me wondering, Why must all my favorite characters die? Take Cassidy Casablancas for example. I loved him, fabulous character and then boom. It turns out he killed a bus full of people, blew up a helicopter, and raped Veronica. And then, of course, he dies. Then There was George on Grey's Anatomy. Favorite character ever. Great doctor. Gets dragged by a bus. On LOST, there was... Well, everyone died on Lost, but Boone and Charlie died long before they should have. Can I tell? Do I just know when someone is going to die and decide they're my favorite because of it? Or does whoever is in charge of t.v. just out to get me?

Then there is this REALLY terrible thing. Sometimes the magical t.v. man decides to cancel a show between seasons. They leave you without anymore of the story, no hints. What if we never found out who Veronica was hoping was at her door in season 1? It would eat at me forever. Just like the season three finale is still haunting me. I'll never find out if Logan's chivalrous but stupid attempt at defending Veronica's honor got him killed by the mafia. I'll never know where Duncan is, or how his baby turns out, or if he ever gets arrested. Granite, I probably wouldn't have found that out anyway.

I take t.v. very seriously. I watch the shows I watch when they're on. It's really only about 5 hours a week. But each of those stories are very important. When these shows are canceled, the questions live on forever in my brain. Perhaps there is something wrong with me and I just really shouldn't care that much about Logan Echolls. I want answers though, and I will go on. wanting answers and not getting them.

So dear magic tv man, if you are reading this, please, don't cancel anymore of my shows. It would mean a lot. Thanks.

Wednesday

I call my brother every Wednesday around 5 o'clock. It's a long standing tradition we've had for about four weeks. My brother lives in another state, and 3 or 4 times a year, my mom and I pack up our car and spend hundreds of dollars to go visit my siblings for a few days. My brother has no cell phone, and no internet access, so I can't just text him, or IM him when he's on. For years I have had little to no communication with him between visits.

One day, my brother called to tell us that he had applied to a school about 200 miles away from his house and if he got in, he would be leaving for two years. When my mother told me that, I called him back to congratulate him. I was sick, but I felt like I should say something. We ended up talking for hours. This was the first Wednesday.

Before we hung up, I told him that we didn't talk enough and I needed to call him more. He said "How about next Wednesday?" I agreed and got off the phone thinking 'Now how on earth am I going to remember to call him?' The week continues: The Vampire Diaries is on the next night, I go to the movie theater Friday, the weekend, Gossip Girl on Monday, and then, on Tuesday night just as Glee was ending, I get a text from my sister that says "Matt will be with me tomorrow." I realized he must be off school for Thanksgiving on Thursday and was staying the night at our sisters. I was a little confused about why she felt the need to tell me this, so I texted back asking. She replied simply: You call him every Wednesday.

And it became true, The next night I called my sisters house and talked to him there, the next week I called his house again. All our calls end up being almost two hours, until he finally says he has to go. Today, as I got out my brand new cell phone and dialed my brothers house number it occurred to me, we could have been doing this all along. My brother has been gone for years. We had been so blinded by technology all these years. It had never crossed my mind to call the old kitchen phone that doesn't even have caller ID. Matt and I missed years of conversations because we just never thought of it.

I learned on my call with him today that he got in to the school. On January 25th he leaves, no more Wednesday calls, no more stays at his house on vacation. I do get to spend the last few weeks before he goes to school with him though, staying at his house for Christmas and then he'll stay at mine until it's time to leave. The school will be good for him though, and he'll get his cell phone, so I'll be able to text him. And life will go on, I'll see him on holidays. He'll become like my cousin who went to college and now can never make the birthday parties or the late holiday parties. But it will all be for the best. And then in a couple years, he can move closer to me, and I can see him and talk to him more again. Everything will work out, and we'll be back to together in no time.

December.

To most people, December is just another month. A month that means no school for two weeks. A month of boots and scarfs. A month of celebration. Perhaps December marks the anniversary of something important, a child's birth, a wedding, a death.
To me, December is many things. It means snow. It's means twinkly lights and decorated trees. It means change is in the air. 11 short days from now, is the 1 year anniversary of my aunt's death. But December is a good thing as well. This year, when holidays start, I will have been free for a year. Heading into this new year, I have looked back on the past year, and on myself. I remember that days before the Christmas holidays started at my school, my safety was threatened. My mom did the only logical thing. I was pulled out of a horrible school in the middle of 8th grade. I have since then changed, and not realized how different things were then.
Today, I stumbled across an old journal, from April and May of 2009. The person who had written those entries, I assure you was not me. And yet, the handwriting matched. That person spoke of the same situations I had been in. I don't like this person, and I am very pleased that she is gone. I began a new journal today, starting by filling Future Me in on what has happened since we last spoke. In one of the entries, I spoke about a wedding and a birthday party I was going to that weekend. The wedding, I knew, was my cousins. the birthday party was a mystery. I finally realized that the party was for my nephew, who was at the time, turning 1. That scared me a little. I was shocked at how much things had changed since then.

Let me explain. This is Andrew.
This is the child whose first birthday I was going to so long ago. He got covered in cake and tried to smear it on the wall.
A year later, I attended his 2nd birthday party. Suddenly the boy was out a his highchair, running around tripping on his own feet, and repeating nonsensical things.

I have pictures of this kid all over my phone, and all over my walls. He is one of my favorite things.
In the meantime, while he's growing up and up, my sister prepares to have her second child. I'm shocked and a little scared even though I had already done this with the first kid.
The same thoughts run through my mind. What if he doesn't like me? What if I drop him? What if I don't like him?

Well of course the baby is born 3 months later, I don't drop him, he likes me just fine, and I love him. Two days after he is born, his big brother Andrew comes to visit in the hospital. He had gotten there early in the morning before me, and had been through about as much excitement as a 2 year old can go through over a baby. I walk in the room and find him sitting on the couch next to his mommy and baby brother. We greet them all and then he jumps off the couch, puts his tiny hand in mine, looks up at me and says "Let's go for a walk."

Although I just got there and have another nephew to hold right now, this little boys big brown eyes are watching me expectantly. I set my jacket down and let him lead me into the lobby to play with the toys. I can already see myself doomed. This child has me wrapped around his finger, and so will his brother. This same child called me one day from a restaurant while playing with his mom's phone. I talk to him on the phone every few weeks, and every time I do, I am proud, pleased, and heart broken at how much clearer he's getting. He is becoming able to have a conversation.

There is also another shocking thing, at the time of this old journal, Caleb, my second nephew, didn't exist. Sporting his "My Aunt ROCKS" t shirt, I can already see the kissing up, and the walking all over me. I don't mind though, It's the little smiles on there faces that I want to see.
I also got a dog. His name is Jake. He is great.












But I guess my point is, Looking back at all the things I lost in the last two years, although there wasn't much I cared about, I now know that I would willing give it all away again so I could keep these three precious boys in my life. There is also my sister, and my brother. They are my friends when I need them, my siblings when they feel like pretending not to like me, and they are always there.
My sister and her husband raise their two children in their apartment and my brother is about to go away to school. Although I haven't lived with either of them since I was 8, this is a big change for me, and not an entirely comfortable one. I love them and am proud of them for everything they have done, but part of me will always miss when we were all just kids.

I am happy with my decisions. I am happy I left school. Happy I left several good friends behind along with some not so good ones. I am happy with my life, and come January, I will happy with 2010. The year everything changed for the better. My brother will go off to school, Caleb will celebrate his first Christmas, and life will go on.

I can't ever regret the decisions I made because they got me this. And that's all that's necessary.